All I Really Want For Christmas

"All I Really Want For Christmas" was a song sung by the Griffin family. Although it was not originally in any Family Guy episode, it was finally performed in "Road to the North Pole". An instrumental version was heard when the Quahog residents received their presents the Christmas after most of the episode's events take place.

It was originally recorded for the 2001 Kevin and Bean (who are both referred to in the original version of the song) Christmas album, Swallow My Eggnog under the title "A Family Guy Christmas".

On December 10, 2010, the song was made available for purchase on iTunes.

Original Version

 * Peter:
 * Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. All of us here at Family Guy would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Jew Christmas, depending on your religion.


 * Lois:
 * Peter, it's Hanukkah.


 * Peter:
 * Oh, sorry.


 * [Chris laughs]


 * Meg:
 * Shut up, Chris! This is supposed to be serious!


 * Chris:
 * Okay, we've prepared a musical holiday greeting that we would like to sing for you.


 * Lois:
 * Brian, would you start us off?


 * Brian:
 * Sure.


 * Stewie:
 * You know, I heard we can say dirty words on this album.


 * Chris:
 * Ha ha, Boobie! I said boobie. Did you hear me? Ha, I said it twice.


 * Brian:
 * Okay, okay, take it easy, you guys [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, the lush arrangements of Walter Murphy.


 * [synthesized orchestra begins playing]


 * The snow is glistening in the trees,
 * As Christmas carols fill the breeze,
 * And children pray on bended knees...


 * Stewie:
 * Santa Claus, be sure you don't
 * Screw up my freakin' order, please!


 * Brian:
 * Great, thanks for destroying the mood.


 * Chris:
 * Dad, what do you want for Christmas?


 * Peter:
 * Ah, let's see...
 * Britney Spears and Courtney Cox
 * Wearing nothing but their socks
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year!


 * Brian:
 * Well, that's just not practical.


 * Peter:
 * Plenty of beer and so much scotch
 * That I hit on my own crotch
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year!


 * How about you Lois, what do you want?


 * Lois:
 * All my flabbin' cellulite surgically uprooted
 * Then installed in Julia Roberts' ass, Ha!
 * Spending a steamy night between
 * Kevin and his partner Bean
 * Giggling as they remove my brassiere.


 * Peter & Lois:
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year


 * Lois:
 * What do you want, Meg?


 * Stewie:
 * How about something to remove her Matt Houston mustache?


 * Meg:
 * I want a house in Malibu
 * And a cure for bacne, too.
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year!


 * Chris:
 * Eww! You have bacne!


 * Meg:
 * Shut up, Chris!


 * Peter:
 * Anything else, honey?


 * Meg:
 * I want a singing navel, Dad,
 * Just like on that Levi's ad.
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year!


 * Brian:
 * All I can say is, thank God that advertising firm doesn't do tampons.


 * Chris:
 * Now me!
 * There's an evil monkey, who's
 * Living in my closet,
 * I just wish he'd go away and die,


 * I want Jillian Barberie,
 * Rubbing up real close to me
 * Saying dirty, bad things into my ear.


 * Stewie:
 * Oh, she's atrocious.


 * Chris:
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year


 * Stewie:
 * Well, it's your turn, dog. As if anyone gives a two-shilling shit about what you want.


 * Brian:
 * Every year I've prayed and prayed
 * For a girl who isn't spayed.
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Chris:
 * What does spayed mean?


 * Peter:
 * Oh, you know, like Melissa Etheridge.


 * Brian:
 * I'd love it if you would not harass me
 * When I start to chew my ass
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year!


 * Your turn, kid.


 * Stewie:
 * Is it awfully much to have
 * Just one evening weekly
 * Where there is no cover charge at Rage?


 * Brian:
 * I knew it!


 * Stewie:
 * Knew what?


 * Lois' name I'd love to see
 * With the letters R.I.P.
 * She's alive and well, but let's play by ear.


 * All:
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year!


 * Stewie:
 * Oh, dear. That high note rather did me in. Would somebody please change me?

Road to the North Pole version

 * Peter:
 * Jessica Biel and Megan Fox
 * Wearin' nothin' but their socks
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Brian:
 * Well, that's just not practical.


 * Lois:
 * Spending a week in Mexico
 * With some black guys and some blow
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Peter:
 * Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?


 * Chris:
 * I would like a pair of skates,
 * Then I'd go out skating,
 * But I really don't know how to skate.
 * Ha-ha!


 * Meg:
 * I want a Lexus all in pink
 * And a dad who doesn't drink.


 * Peter:
 * Oh, and that reminds me, twelve kegs of beer.


 * The Griffins (except Brian):
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year.


 * Brian:
 * Santa's got his work cut out for him.


 * Peter:
 * Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet.


 * Lois:
 * I wanna tour the Spanish coast...


 * Peter:
 * Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost...


 * Peter and Lois:
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Lois:
 * Wait, what?


 * Peter:
 * Forget it. Keep goin'.


 * Chris:
 * Jennifer Garner in my bed...


 * Meg:
 * Softer voices in my head...


 * Chris and Meg:
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Stewie:
 * Yellow cake uranium.
 * Never mind the reason.
 * Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball.
 * [laughs]


 * Brian:
 * Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?


 * Peter:
 * Poo on you! It's not enough!


 * DVD Lyrics: Suck my dick. It's not enough!


 * Stewie:
 * Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here. [grabs his crotch]


 * DVD Lyrics: Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer! [Brian]: Look who's talking.


 * The Griffins:
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year.


 * Brian:
 * I'm just saying it seems a bit excessive.


 * Lois:
 * Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it's Christmas.


 * Peter:
 * And Christmas is about gettin'. Everyone in town knows that.


 * Quagmire:
 * Japanese girls with no restraint
 * Just to choke me till I faint
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
 * Ooh, giggity!


 * Bonnie:
 * Platinum-plated silverware...


 * Joe:
 * Just one day when kids don't stare...


 * Bonnie and Joe:
 * Is all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Mort:
 * If you put a Christmas tree
 * In the public airport,
 * I will go to court and sue your ass!
 * Happy holiday!


 * Mayor Adam West:
 * Wouldn't I love a Tinkertoy?


 * Herbert:
 * And a little drummer boy.
 * He can either tap his drum or my rear.


 * Mayor Adam West, Herbert and Mort:
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year.


 * Tom Tucker:
 * I want a golden mustache comb.


 * Angela:
 * And some spermicidal foam.


 * Tom Tucker and Angela:
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Carter:
 * I want a brand new pitching wedge.


 * Consuela:
 * I would like more Lemon Pledge.


 * Carter and Consuela:
 * That's all I really want for Christmas this year.


 * Bruce:
 * I just want a wedding ring
 * From someone named Jeffrey.


 * Jillian:
 * I just want some colored Easter eggs.


 * Carl:
 * I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz.


 * Tomak:
 * We don't know what "Christmas" is.


 * Bellgarde:
 * We have something else called "Kishgev Fufleer".


 * Everyone (except Brian):
 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want this year.

Reprise

 * Choir:
 * We can get out of any mess
 * If we learn to live with less.
 * And with Santa's love, there's nothing to fear.


 * All these happy wishes
 * And lots of Christmas cheer
 * Is all I really want...
 * This...
 * YEAR!!!!!!!
 * AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH! AH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!