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Capn' Cragg: Who's the most fearsome swashbuckler to ever buckle a swah?
Bupkus Bill: You are, Capn'.
Cragg: Who puts the "-irate", in "pirate"?
Timebomb Tom: Uh, I guess, uh, you?

— Before the Song

"The Nefarious Capn' Cragg" (or "Capn' Cragg's Pirate Song") is the song featured in 2004's In Search of SANTA. It is performed when Royal Penguin Princesses Crystal & Lucinda, along with their newly-found friend Pup, was shocked by the introduction of Capn' Cragg while they aborad his ship, the "Blubber Belly", with his first mates Bubkus Bill and Timebomb Tom. The variation of the traditional "Sailor's Hornpipe", composed in 1798 by British musician J. Dale, proceeds the song.

Song

Crystal, Lucy and Pup are shocked while Capn' Cragg sings about himself. Bubkus Bill plays the accordion, while he & Timebomb Tom provide the backup vocals.

While Cragg sings, two cutaways of him doing bad habits are included:

  • At the dentist, Cragg opens his mouth with his stinky breath for the male hygienist. The hygienist screams as he smells his breath.
  • At the hill, there is a female baby who is licking a pink-white swirled lolipop, with colorful sprinkles, in a baby stroller. Cragg takes the lolipop and bites it, leaving it with only the stick, making the baby strangely dispressed.

Later in the movie, a very short, instrumental reprise of the song's last two verses is heard when the "Pirates" leave Santa's City in the North Pole, carrying their gifts along.

Lyrics

Italics - Speaking parts/Offscreen singing (Applied to the visual cutaways)

[The song begins with the variation of the short version of the Sailor's Hornpipe as Crystal, Lucy and Pup are shocked; Bubkus Bill plays the accordion]


Capn' Cragg: Who's the saltiest,
surliest scuffler,
who plungers all
he sees?

Who never says: "Thank ye,
you're welcome"...
Bubkus Bill: (sneezes with a "Ahchoo!")
Cragg: ...or "gesundheit"
when you sneeze?

Timebomb Tom: Uh, ga-hoo?

Cragg: Who's the ugliest,
and thugliest,
the meanest
and obscenest?

Whose habits
are uncleanest,
and so fearsome
you hygienists?

The king of all
the no-account,
gnarly nasty
knave

Who's that tusky
tank of terror,
who very
rarely bathes?

Bill & Tom: He's known to boast
and the brag
The nefarious
Capn' Cragg

Cragg (Breaking the Fourth Wall): Ah lads, you know me too.

Who's got a bite
wise than his bark,
and a chronic
case of rabies?

He's toothier
than a shark,
and steels candy
from cute babies

He's never
to be trusted
He's a dirty,
lying cheat

Without him all
your nightmares,
would seem
so incomplete

Bill & Tom: He's a fiendish
scallywag,
the nefarious
Capn' Cragg

Cragg: One more time.

Bill & Tom: He's a stinking
old windbag,
The nefarious
Capn' Cr-aaaa-agg

Cragg: (pushes Bubkus & Timebomb away) Haha, that's me.

Cragg:

Well, what shall we do to them, lads?

Tom:
Uh, I know…
Let's have a tea party.

Bill:
Why not put 'em to work, Cap'n?
Deck needs swabbing.

Tom:
Sails need mending.

Cragg:
Grub needs cooking.

Princess Lucinda:
I'd rather walk the prank.

Princess Crystal:
We'll do it… if you'll take us to the North Pole.

Lucy:
What are you…?
Don't bargain with these barbarians.
These pirates are ruthless.

Tom:
Uh, that is true.
We are utterly without ruths.

Crystal:
But how else will we find Santa Claus?

Bill:
Santy Claus?
[Bill laughs, with Tom joining shortly.
Bill grabs Tom]

Um, what would like for Christmas, little boy?
(Giggles)

Tom:
Oh, more TNT. Ka-boom!
Oh!… And tea service for six, please.

Lucy:
Now see here. I am a royal penguin princess,…
and I command to you to release us… this instant.

[That night, Cragg throws the princesses, and their seal pup from Tom, into the brig.]

Crystal:
This can't be good.

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