As a Christmas present to themselves, Shake and Carl split the cost of a mail-order bride from Chechnya. Carl is looking forward to sex he won't have to pay for each time, while Shake is excited to have someone to cook and clean and wait on him. Frylock declares this to be "depraved"; Shake thanks him and says he hopes she sees that in him too. Carl and Shake quickly begin fighting over who will get first access to their "co-fiance".
Upon arriving, their Chechnyan bride Svetlana is immediately accosted by Carl and Shake and horrified by both options; Shake demands she "get in the kitchen and boil [him] some sausages" while Carl presents her a tiny g-string and tells her to "put this on and shake it". She flees to Carl's house and barricades herself inside. While trying to access his house via the second story window, Carl falls and breaks his neck. Svetlana observes this and promptly nails a piece of plywood across the window. Further attempts by Carl to get in only causes Svetlana to "scream at me in this language...like a demon yelling at me or something". She does manage to communicate that she'll only do the marriage service if she can stay locked in Carl's bedroom.
Meanwhile Meatwad and Frylock celebrate Christmas. Frylock gives Meatwad the hair he'd been asking for and Meatwad gives Frylock the "wrap around sunglasses" he was asking for: a random assortment of pinecones and sticks hot glued together (as Shake points out, something like the computer he got the year before, made entirely from leaves).
As the group assembles outside Carl's bedroom for the marriage ceremony (with Carl wearing a blue tuxedo with ruffles over a massive neck traction rig on account of his broken neck and Shake wearing a black bowtie and cummerbund strapped to his cup). Frylock proves unable to pronounce Svetlana's last name. Carl says it doesn't matter, "just say Smith or Jones or something". When Frylock can't pronounce Carl's last name either, Carl tells him "Just say Smith too, it doesn't matter. None of this matters." When Frylock tells them to slide the ring under the door, Shake reveals he has no ring, and "isn't getting roped into all that" since he "hasn't seen food one since this whole thing started." Carl agrees, and Frylock skips it and declares them married, which immediately prompts Svetlana to smash Carl's bedroom window, escape on a rope made from bedsheets and flee the scene in Carl's car. Carl, shocked by the unexpectedly quick end of the marriage, muses that she apparently "got the car", which Meatwad points out is technically half hers now, "or a third... I dunno."
The episode ends with a cheesy wedding DJ (hired by Shake and voiced by the ever-amusing George Lowe) congratulating the new "Mister(s) and Mrs. Portowsky", which prompts a torrent of abuse from Carl for mispronouncing his name, as well as a demand he "get the hell out of here", whereupon Shake reminds him they've "got him 'til 3" even though the bride is long gone and nobody feels like dancing except Meatwad.
The last scene is an oddly-touching gesture of sympathy from Meatwad, who tells Carl he "knows he's hurting" and gives him a consolation Christmas gift; a stick with a bow on it. Carl's commentary: "Oh. Good."