"The 2000-Year-Old Virgin" is the fifth Christmas episode of the FOX animated sitcom Family Guy.
On a trip to the Quahog Mall before Christmas, Peter and Lois bump into Jesus and discover that he is still hanging around Quahog due to not being entirely comfortable dealing with his own home life with God. Jesus invites Peter over to his place. However, since it is a depressing bachelor apartment, Peter invites him out with Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, and Joe Swanson to have a drink. At the Drunken Clam, they start planning a birthday party for Jesus, who tells them that he has never had sex: to make his birthday special, they promise to help him lose his virginity. Their attempts to achieve this through speed dating fails, upsetting Peter. Lois tries to find out what Jesus likes, but her nice manners cause him to want to sleep with her. Approaching Peter about his issue to help him, Peter is shocked but agrees to help when Jesus promises him an expensive massage chair in return for sleeping with Lois. He lets Lois know about Jesus' interest in her and she reluctantly agrees.
As they head out together, Peter enjoys his chair at the Drunken Clam. During this time, Peter has a fantasy of Lois and Jesus having sex and has second thoughts. Other men at the bar confirm to Peter that Jesus is not a virgin, but pulls this annual stunt every Christmas by bribing men with gifts just so he can sleep with their wives. Peter tries multiple ways to get to their liaison to stop things. Peter rushes to the room to find that no cheating took place as Lois decided that their marriage was too good. Despite being caught for lying, Jesus applauds them for learning their “lesson” that he intended, making the excuse that he concocted this charade as a tale of appreciating loved ones and resisting temptation on the holiest of days. After Peter thanks Jesus for saving their marriage, Jesus leaves saying "Who cares? I'm not even real. Merry Christmas."
Earlier, when Jesus asked Peter if he could sleep with Lois, Peter stated that he wasn't as outraged as the millions of Christians watching this episode and looked at the screen telling viewers to stop these "Hollywood jew writers" from ruining his marriage and their religion.
On Christmas Day, Rupert gives Stewie a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas, disappointing him because Stewie had observed Rupert picking out a heart-shaped necklace. As Stewie tearfully listens to "Both Sides, Now" on the CD, he wonders whom the necklace was for, and it is revealed to be for Mayor Adam West.
|Seth MacFarlane||Peter Griffin/Stewie Griffin/Brian Griffin/Glenn Quagmire/Jesus Christ/God/Seamus Levine|
|Alex Borstein||Lois Griffin|
|Seth Green||Chris Griffin|
|Mila Kunis||Meg Griffin|
|Adam West||Mayor Adam West|
|Kevin Michael Richardson||Jerome|