"The 2000-Year-Old Virgin" is the fifth Christmas-themed episode of FOX's animated developed-for-television series Family Guy, produced and aired as the sixth episode of its thirteenth season.

Synopsis

On a trip to the Quahog Mall before Christmas, Peter and Lois bump into Jesus and discover that he is still hanging around Quahog due to not being entirely comfortable dealing with his own home life with God. Jesus invites Peter over to his place. However, since it is a depressing bachelor apartment, Peter invites him out with Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, and Joe Swanson to have a drink. At the Drunken Clam, they start planning a birthday party for Jesus, who tells them that he has never had sex: to make his birthday special, they promise to help him lose his virginity. Their attempts to achieve this through speed dating fails, upsetting Peter. Lois tries to find out what Jesus likes, but her nice manners cause him to want to sleep with her. Approaching Peter about his issue to help him, Peter is shocked but agrees to help when Jesus promises him an expensive massage chair in return for sleeping with Lois. He lets Lois know about Jesus' interest in her and she reluctantly agrees.

As they head out together, Peter enjoys his chair at the Drunken Clam. During this time, Peter has a fantasy of Lois and Jesus having sex and has second thoughts. Other men at the bar confirm to Peter that Jesus is not a virgin, but pulls this annual stunt every Christmas by bribing men with gifts just so he can sleep with their wives. Peter tries multiple ways to get to their liaison to stop things. Peter rushes to the room to find that no cheating took place as Lois decided that their marriage was too good. Despite being caught for lying, Jesus applauds them for learning their “lesson” that he intended, making the excuse that he concocted this charade as a tale of appreciating loved ones and resisting temptation on the holiest of days. After Peter thanks Jesus for saving their marriage, Jesus leaves saying "Who cares? I'm not even real. Merry Christmas."

Earlier, when Jesus asked Peter if he could sleep with Lois, Peter stated that he wasn't as outraged as the millions of Christians watching this episode and looked at the screen telling viewers to stop these "Hollywood jew writers" from ruining his marriage and their religion.

On Christmas Day, Rupert gives Stewie a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas, disappointing him because Stewie had observed Rupert picking out a heart-shaped necklace. As Stewie tearfully listens to "Both Sides Now" on the CD, he wonders whom the necklace was for, and it is revealed to be for Mayor Adam West.

Songs

  • "There She Goes" - Sixpence None the Richer
  • "Both Sides Now" - Joni Mitchell

Cast

Voice actor/actress Character(s)
Seth MacFarlane Peter Griffin
Stewie Griffin
Brian Griffin
Glenn Quagmire
Captain Seamus
God
Alex Borstein Lois Griffin
Seth Green Chris Griffin
Mila Kunis Meg Griffin
Mike Henry Cleveland Brown
Dee Bradley Baker
Alexandra Breckenridge
Steve Callaghan Guy on Raft
Chris Cox
Jeff Garlin Himself
Ralph Garman
Ana Gasteyer Speed Dater
Lucas Grabeel
Jonathan Heit Little Boy
Glenn Howerton
Kristin Long
Patrick Meighan
Emily Osment
Danny Smith
Alec Sulkin Jesus Christ
John Viener
Patrick Warburton Joe Swanson
Adam West Mayor Adam West

External link

20th Century Studios
Movies
Miracle on 34th Street (1955 remake) (1973 remake) (1994 remake) • Die HardDie Hard 2Home AloneHome Alone 2: Lost in New YorkGeorge Balanchine's The NutcrackerTrapped in ParadiseJingle All the WayHome Alone 4The Family StoneDeck the Halls12 Men of ChristmasHome Alone: The Holiday HeistJingle All the Way 2
Television episodes and specials
Live-action shows
M*A*S*H "Dear Dad" • "Dear Sis" • "Death Takes a Holiday" • "All About Christmas Eve"
Tracey Ullman "Santa Baby" • "Kay's Gift" • "Merry Catnip"
The X Files "Christmas Carol" • "Emily" • "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas"
Malcolm in the Middle "Christmas" • "Christmas Trees" • "Pearl Harbor" • "Hal's Christmas Gift
Bones "The Man in the Fallout Shelter" • "The Santa in the Slush" • "The Goop on the Girl"
How I Met Your Mother "How Lily Stole Christmas" • "Little Minnesota" • "False Positive" • "Symphony of Illumination" • "The Over-Correction" • "The Final Page, Part 1" • "The Final Page, Part 2"
Glee "A Very Glee Christmas" • "Extraordinary Merry Christmas" • "Glee, Actually" • "Previously Unaired Christmas"
New Girl "The 23rd" • "Santa" • "LAXmas" • "Christmas Eve Eve"
The Mindy Project "Josh and Mindy's Christmas Party" • "Christmas Party Sex Trap" • "Christmas" • "When Mindy Met Danny"
Last Man Standing "Last Christmas Standing" • "Putting a Hit on Christmas" • "Elfie" • "Wedding Planning" • "Gift of the Wise Man"
Brooklyn Nine-Nine "Christmas" • "The Pontiac Bandit Returns" • "Yippie Kayak" • "Captain Latvia"
The Moodys "Pilot" • "Episode Two" • "Episode Three" • "Episode Four" • "Episode Five" • "Episode Six"
Other shows "Christmas Story" • "The Worst Noel" • "Amends" • "Blue Christmas" • "A Christmas Story" • "Cookies for Santa" • "In God We Trust" • "Road to Tradition" • "Afternoon Delight" • "Christmas" • "The Glitch That Stole Christmas" • "Secret Santa"
Animated shows and specials
The Simpsons "Simpson Christmas" • "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" • "Marge Be Not Proud" • "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace" • "Grift of the Magi" • "Skinner's Sense of Snow" • "She of Little Faith" • "'Tis the Fifteenth Season" • "Simpson Christmas Stories" • "Kill Gil, Volumes I & II" • "The Fight Before Christmas" • "Holidays of Future Passed" • "White Christmas Blues" • "I Won't Be Home for Christmas • "The Nightmare After Krustmas" • "'Tis the 30th Season" • "Bobby, It's Cold Outside" • "The Way of The Dog" • "A Springfield Summer Christmas for Christmas"
King of the Hill "The Unbearable Blindness of Laying" • "Pretty, Pretty Dresses" • "Hillennium" • "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas" • "The Father, the Son, and J.C." • "Livin' on Reds, Vitamin C and Propane" • "Ms. Wakefield"
Family Guy, American Dad!, and The Cleveland Show "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" • "The Best Christmas Story Never" • "The Most Adequate Christmas Ever" • "Rapture's Delight" • "A Cleveland Brown Christmas" • "Road to the North Pole" • "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls" • "Murray Christmas" • "Season's Beatings" • "Die Semi-Hard" • "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" • "'Tis the Cleveland To Be Sorry" • "Minstrel Krampus" • "Christmas Guy" • "Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas" • "The 2000-Year-Old Virgin" • "How the Griffin Stole Christmas" • "Ninety North, Zero West" • "Don't Be a Dickens At Christmas" • "Santa, Schmanta" • "Christmas is Coming" • "Yule. Tide. Repeat." • "The First No L"
Futurama "Xmas Story" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular"
Bob's Burgers "God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins" • "Christmas in the Car" • "Father of the Bob" • "Nice-Capades" • "The Last Gingerbread House on the Left" • "The Bleakening" • "Better Off Sled" • "Have Yourself a Maily Linda Christmas" • "Yachty or Nice"
Other cartoons "Hook's Christmas" • "A Christmas Surprise for Mrs. Stillman" • Olive, the Other ReindeerIce Age: A Mammoth Christmas • "The War on Grafelnik" • "Miracle on Culpepper Slims Boulevard"
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